The Advice given by My Father Which Saved Us when I became a Brand-New Father

"I think I was merely in survival mode for the first year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of becoming a dad.

However the truth rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health complications during the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver while also caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he burnt out. It was a talk with his father, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The direct statement "You are not in a healthy space. You must get assistance. In what way can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and start recovering.

His experience is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now better used to addressing the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a broader failure to communicate amongst men, who continue to hold onto damaging perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It's not a sign of being weak to seek help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to accept they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - particularly ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the space to request a respite - spending a couple of days away, away from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he required a adjustment to consider his and his partner's feelings as well as the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotion and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen was without stable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "bad decisions" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as escapism from the hurt.

"You turn to behaviours that are harmful," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Strategies for Coping as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a trusted person, your other half or a therapist how you're feeling. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Look after the body - eating well, staying active and when you can, resting, all play a role in how your mental state is doing.
• Meet other new dads - sharing their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead provide the security and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they faced their pain, transformed how they communicate, and learned to control themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I expressed, sometimes I think my purpose is to guide and direct you how to behave, but actually, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are on this path."